People often feel awkward about ‘taking sides’ and try to keep out of a situation, believing it is not really any of their business. Friends and family may think that they are being ‘neutral’, but the abuser usually takes this as evidence that their behavior is acceptable. In addition, an abused person can easily interpret the ‘neutrality’ of those closest to them as blame for the situation.
Raise the issue
Don’t wait for your abused friend to tell you about the situation. Bring the subject up yourself when their abusive partner isn’t around. Let them know you are concerned about them and want to help. Try not to criticize their partner or the relationship. Instead, focus on the abuse and their safety. You don’t have to know all the answers. The importance of helping your friend break the silence and end the isolation should never be underestimated. Listen to what they say and let them show you how you can be supportive.
Giving Support
You need to support your abused friend in whatever decision they are currently making about their relationship, while being clear that the abuse is wrong. It is OK to be truthful or give your opinion, but bear in mind that your friend needs to be supported rather than judged. Maintain contact with them, helping them explore all the options on offer.
Supporting a friend in this way is a huge challenge. You don’t want to see them get hurt, but may have to watch them carry on with their partner when you think they should leave them or have them arrested. As their friend, make sure you offer them something the abuser doesn’t. For example, if the abuser tells them what to do all the time, it’s no use you doing the same.
It is Important to Remember Three Critical Things…
- You are not the person who has to live with the consequences of any decision. They are. Therefore, it isn’t surprising that they make decisions in their best interests (as she/he sees them), rather than doing what you may want them to do.
- Leaving is an extremely difficult decision to make, involving both emotional and practical considerations. Moreover, most people are in the position of attempting to make this decision within the context of an abuser who begs them to stay and promises to change.
- Often, leaving a violent partner only signifies the end of the relationship – not the end of the violence. Two women are killed every week by a current or former male partner. Of these, most were in the process of attempting to leave a violent relationship or had recently left one.
If you try to offer help to a friend, remember that you are putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Whatever else you do, be sure to keep yourself safe.
What You Can Say to Them
The following messages will all help your friend if you can get them across when talking about her situation.
- Domestic violence is totally unacceptable. Every one has the right to live her life free of violence, abuse, intimidation and fear.
- Domestic violence is very common. One woman in four experiences domestic violence at some point in her life.
- Domestic violence is not just about individual men abusing individual women. It is also about the systematic abuse and oppression of women in the society in which we live.
- Domestic violence is about power and control. Abusive, violent and sexually abusive behavior is wide-ranging and subtle in what it tries to achieve.
- Domestic abuse is intentional and instrumental behavior. It is about scaring a someone into doing something they don’t want to do, or scaring them out of doing something that they do want to do.
- The abuser is 100% responsible for their abuse. Alcohol, culture or unemployment are not excuses. Their abuse is their problem and their responsibility.
- It is not your fault. No person deserves to be abused, regardless of what they say or do.
- Anyone can change if they wanted to. Their abusive behavior is within their control and they can choose to stop.
- You cannot change them. They themselves are the only person who can stop their violence.
- You don’t have to put up with it. A woman has the right to safety and respect, to put herself and her children first and to focus on her needs.
- You can increase your safety. If someone is intent on being violent, you will not be able to stop them. However, there are things you can do to increase your safety. See our ‘Safety Plan’ page.
If you still need more information, please take a look at our Further Support page for more organisations and information.